bitter-sweet day

I feel so sad today, la caffard comme ma mere elle dit . . . though there is really no reason for me to feel this way.

Creatively things are promising, the meeting went well yesterday, the director is really excited about my piece, and I am now officially part of 'The Graduates' festival at the BAC, showing "exciting new work" from around the country. We meet again next week to discuss practicalities, such as programming, number of performance slots per day, potential spaces I might use . . .

I wondered around the area a little before I came back, said hello to a woman who was staring at me as she walked past with her dog and who promptly told me to fuck off. Slipped into a couple of charity shops and bought a few presents for myself, for other people. Found a little wooden treasure chest, a heavy pewter picture frame (for Claire I decided) and a beautiful round box made of stripped tree bark which i think will make a nice gift for milie for her birthday.

I returned to college to be reminded that it was the 'leaving' party for our department; it was pretty much over by the time I got there and E and I got into a conversation that was just messy bringing back the hell of those two years past of H's death, of all the misunderstandings that loomed up in its aftermath, the complete and utter isolation of that time . Now that emptiness falls into me and I can't think about then here now without a wail of nausea crashing over me scrunching up my heart.
I feel so angry, all I want to do is to cry, to not have it hurt so much. I know I need to should do want to breathe through the past and be in this moment here . . .

but this is this moment, untidy incoherent trying to iron out the edges

...............................i remind myself,
........................................so much to do now
........................................and so much to look forward to. . .


listening to: Zap Mama "Sabsylma"